Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
