i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
