omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
