okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
What changed your mind?
Being sober
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
