I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
