fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
