I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
