cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So many bounce houses so little time
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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