at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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