Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
