whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
