Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
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