Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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