Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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