Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
