he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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