I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
