he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
