I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
