Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Randomize
