You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
