i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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