i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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