Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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