he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
