i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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