So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
