i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
