No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just found puke in my bra..
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
