If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
