I seem to have left my pride at pride
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
