You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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