So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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