Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She bit a glass in half.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
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