Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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