i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
one might say we're banned from that church
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
