I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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