my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
