the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
