Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
