this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize