Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You brought string cheese to the strip club
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
