Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
