There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
50% drunk capacity currently
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
