What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
17 year olds will be the death of me.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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