The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
