How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
