PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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