Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
