my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
