dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
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