When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You have to summon your inner elephant
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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