I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
