we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize