the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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