Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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