Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
