then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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