Apparently you make a good broom.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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