i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
