Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
