Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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