So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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