Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
