In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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