i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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